|Posted on January 9, 2018 at 11:40 AM|
"I lost myself trying to please everyone else. Now I am losing everyone while I'm finding myself."
I am a people pleaser, without a doubt! I have been a doormat, spineless, and overly eager to go out of my way to do something for someone else to win their favor or affections. Anyone else? Of course I am not alone in this horrible life habit!
My issue is my need to please comes from a good and loving place. When I care for someone, it means I will go to the ends of the earth to help ensure they are happy. I get so invested in the lives of my friends, family, & love interests that their problems become my problems to the point where I will feel the stresses they are carrying around as well as the joy. While this investment comes from a place of love and caring, it gets annoying fast for both myself and the person I am beginning to smother! But I have broken this cycle before, I believe I can do it again.
The first time I overcame my ingrained nature to please (smother) was just after college; I moved from Fresno, CA to Pismo Beach, CA and found and apartment to have all to myself. This was a much needed and refreshing change after years of roommates and 4 girl bedrooms in my sorority. I had graduated, my boyfriend dumped me right before I was set to move in with him, and my best friend and I were on the outs yet again, both relationship’s problems were caused by my mothering. So, what better time to venture out on my own and learn to put myself first? There wasn't going to be a better opportunity than this so off I went!
There were times (many times) where I cried myself to sleep because I was so lonely. There were times where my eyeballs felt like they were going to fall out of my face from all the Netflix binges I went on because I had nothing to do and knew no one to hang out with. And there were so many fewer dollars in my bank account from all the trips to Target & Styles for Less due to me just wanting to be around other people, so I would indulge in a little retail therapy to get my fix of human interaction.
Never in my life had I been on my own, never had I been forced to decide what I wanted to eat, drink, do, or go, until now. I was forced to find out what hobbies I liked and which ones I did to make other people happy. I found out that I am a complete neat freak, that I don't really eat dinner and when I do it was microwaved, I found out I loved to bake, dance, and do yoga! I also found out that I was a true stoner as I would smoke bowls on bowls by myself whilst hobby-ing about my cute little one bedroom apartment! The point was I was all I had to entertain myself so I learned to do just that, entertain myself! But I had to be put myself in a situation where I was my only option to learn all these things about myself, give myself the room and the time to do some self-study!
My next move was to San Diego, it was a year and a half since I set out on my own and I felt that there was no way anyone could throw me off my self-care game. I was so very wrong. I moved in with my life long best friend (same friend mentioned above) in July of 2014, met my now ex-boyfriend that November and by March of 2015 I had abandoned myself and started living my life for them. It's a real issue!!
So now it’s January 2018 and my ex and I have been broken up for about a year and my life long bestie and I have recently patched things up AGAIN! This time I will be sure to hold tight to the life I love and keep up my self-care. I will be sure to remember that my problems are mine and their problems are theirs’s and while if it good to get & receive help, for the most part I need to stay in my own lane.